Monochromatic Regularity

Moved.

2011-09-24T15:23:00.001+08:00

Apathy & Empathy

2011-01-25T00:35:00.000+08:00

Just spent the last hour laughing with H over everything. He, the guy, that guy, A, his guy, parents, home and everything that's been going on.

I know I shouldn't be laughing. It's horrible, what's happened. But I can't help it. I can't help not caring. I was playing RuneScape. I was playing RuneScape while they were screaming. And after I came out and shouted for a bit, I just went back in and played some more.

There was a time when I would've cried too. When I would be feeling so hurt and pained even if it didn't involve me. But now it's apparently at the point where I just don't care. I just plain don't care anymore.

And it hurts to hear them say that. As much as they might have been joking and she might have overreacted, it hurts. And they know we don't like it cause it's happened before. They obviously don't care. And it hurts.

It hurts cause here am I feeling like giving up a quality education because I don't want to drain their money, and I still have to bear the jibes.

Edit: Hey, first post of the new year =)

Location:Camp

Puzzles & More!

2010-12-25T01:07:00.000+08:00

Just completed my first puzzle in quite a few years. Feels really really good. I know I missed them, but never really realised exactly how much. It's only 75 pieces, but it feels great to put piece to piece once again. It's like 2D Lego =D

Once I'm back from Brunei I'm going to tackle a 500 piece one. It's called Masquerade. Then the next one will probably be 2000 pieces, haha! All the nice ones are really big but I'm going to have to make space on my walls. I guess the posters are going out the door.

And I finally finished the Carousel I was making for my sis. Was intending to give it to her for her birthday, but I never finished it on time. Better late than never, though, I guess. Haha.

And since I love photo editing so much...

Heh. I love the whole cartoon-y effect this has. It's perfect for a profile pic. If it wasn't for the shadow it could pass off for a painting I think.

Buuuut she's not here. And I'm leaving before she gets back. So I'm going to leave it on her table under a pretty lampshade and let her discover it herself. Hahaha. The ideas I get.

Merry Christmas people =)

Promiscuity

2010-12-20T22:59:00.000+08:00

It's okay to be gay. I loved you more after I suspected you were. But lately I just hate you more and more because you just jump on every other guy you come across. Not telling anyone then trying to stuff your tongue down everyone's throat is not going to help. Honestly, have the guts to show yourself for what you really are, or don't at all.

It hurts me, and it makes me want to cry. You're my friend. I don't want to treat you like I am. Like dinner today. Was I right? I don't know. But it got you to admit what I've suspected all along. "I know I've been working against you but you don't have to make it so obvious to everyone, right?" - what kind of thing was that to say?

The promiscuity of life. Is it something you choose, or something innate and carnal that people awaken in you?

2010-08-29T21:24:00.001+08:00

5 more days, and I’ll be a 6-month soldier. I think I’ll post then.

5th March 2009

2010-03-05T03:13:00.001+08:00

Well, it’s 2.54am, and I can’t sleep. I guess I should have expected this, the same thing happened during the Os. I guess I’ll never learn.

Just messaged MN, but I don’t expect a reply till later, obviously. If she’s still awake now…well, I wouldn’t like it very much. MG just messaged me a while ago as well to wish me good luck. Saying thanks is always easy but now I’m sitting here freaking out. Everytime I think about it, I get this feeling of immense rippling in my chest that just makes me want to tear my heart and lungs out and leave them for the next fool who comes along.

Have been going out quite a bit the past few days. Lunch, dinner, library, movie…but it seems like everything just turns to ask in the mouth. Like you enjoy it for the time being, but then you realise that it’s all a hoax, you’re just conning yourself into thinking you’re fine, when your mind is screaming to be heard and you’re just piling pillow after pillow on it, muffling it till it’s just a dull roar in the background.

Parents seem to think it’s all high and dry. “Call us, son, we want to know early!" – and all I can think about is what I’ll do if/when I screw(ed?) up.

I am happy I’m enlisting tomorrow. If it’s good, yay. If it’s not, I get to escape for a while, just ignore it till I absolutely have to deal with it.

Isn’t that just like me? Running away from everything, running towards what I’d been running from.

PGM.

2010-02-27T01:29:00.001+08:00

Spent the morning watching Jekyll, then while sitting around my mind drifted to what kind of house I’d like to have in the future. Ambitious, I must admit. I don’t want to live in Singapore. I want a townhouse, in London, as far as possible. Something big that I can decorate in any way I want. Am thinking that the TV room can be American, with murals of New York and the Statue of Liberty, and couch material and trinkets from the South. Would absolutely love to have a Red Indian headdress, or Kachina dolls. The living room can probably be British-influenced, though I still haven’t fully decided. Problem with loving Europe is that you want everything. Maybe I can split British and French/Italian? I’ll have to explore the choices more. Am thinking that the dining room can be Oriental, lanterns from the ceiling, maybe bamboo shoots in the corner, and blinds. Have not decided on the bedroom…am hovering over Egyptian, though. That would be amazing. And I want a garden. A really big garden, huge enough that I could buy a horse and keep it there. Haha, just how impossible is that, huh? Tell me about it. I definitely want a horse, though, maybe a Shire, or an Australian Stockhorse, or a Tennessee Walking. And a dog. Maybe a Labrador/Golden Retriever. And I want a snake. Look at me funny, I don’t care. Am thinking of a Boomslang, or a Viper. A Coral would be amazing, but it spends wayyyy too much time buried. The Boa’s another current favourite, but am loving the designs on the Coast Garter, though. Wow, I’m getting carried away with the snakes…ha. I wonder what I’m doing.

A little pissy today because of last minute plans that cost me a lot of time, effort and money, all of which were unnecessary, and would have been avoided had the person involved called when the plans were being made, rather than when they were halfway through. Evening was a little spoilt because of it, but at least I got to see them again.

On the way home in the car, asked my parents what my grandparents were like when they were younger, since I never met any of them except my maternal grandmother. Found out quite a lot, like how my paternal grandmother took my 3 younger aunts and uncles and brought them back to SL, denouncing her Singaporean citizenship in the process. T.T. Durai’s mum helped her get it back, go figure, ha. Met her at the funeral, she’s a nice, nice lady. Apparently grandmother’s parents didn’t want her back in SL, thought she would grab her own land back from them. Paternal grandfather passed away when she was over there. Medically it was pulmonary tuberculosis exacerbated by his drinking, but the family believes he died of a broken heart, with the wife hating Singapore and leaving for SL with half the children. Found out that my maternal grandfather was abusive toward the grandmother, and didn’t like her visiting her side of the family, but she couldn’t leave him cause she wasn’t educated and didn’t have a job. Only left and divorced him when the children had enough of it. Apparently he used to pressure my mum, his favourite, to come back to him and convince the rest to accept him again, but no success there. He remarried, then died 10 years ago. I was 8. Sis was 12. Mother didn’t know till she reconnected with her family, about 5 years ago.

When my dad married my mum, her mother pulled him aside and said “you don’t know what you’ve done”, over and over and over. Apparently after the split, my aunt continued to write letters to my mum despite not seeing her, ‘cause my mum still sent her birthday cards, and when she was in JC she found out where we lived and she came to the house in BB, when my sister was a few months old. After that, she didn’t have any contact with us for 17 years. 17. No wonder when we met them all she mentioned not seeing my sister for so long, which I thought was weird at that time since, as far as I could remember, we’d never met her. So my mother spent 20 years, TWENTY, away from her family because she loved my father enough to marry him.

I still remember walking into RTC, not knowing what to expect, and unsure whether I even wanted to meet them after so long. Remember me and my sis just sticking to each other the whole night, then later running off to some corner just so we could get away from it all.

Haiz. Mother is halfway to dying.

2010-02-13T03:25:00.001+08:00

Just got back from work a while ago and am pretty brain-dead. Hands are all cut up, probably from all the pineapple flowers the customers bought today. Should buy gloves, haha. Dinner at 2am is a pretty cool thing.

I sliced my leg during my dream last night, which I am disinclined to share. Too violent and bothersome to relive. Maybe this is a sign I should cut off/remove my fingernails and toenails so I don’t inflict bodily harm on myself during the night. Pity it’s my right leg, so it’s more sore than it would be since I tend to rest my weight on that leg. Dominant side and all that crap.

Am feeling sick. Maybe I shouldn’t have eaten dinner after all.

A.

2010-01-21T00:55:00.001+08:00

I would think that after you cancelled on me so suddenly you would bother to actually try making it up to me. At least keep some time free. Instead it seems like I’m running behind you trying to catch you again.

Why? What happened to friendship being a two-way thing?

Ultra long post coming. I have a lot to say and no time to say it.

Death #7.

2010-01-13T10:27:00.000+08:00

Wow. I wasn’t expecting another so soon, but this was fast. Really fast.

Was going to post about my week, but that’s going to have to wait.

EDIT:

0100 Jan 14th. I am so, so, so exhausted. I need to make it through 2 more days. Just 2.

I’m sorry, J. I lied when I said I was okay. I’m not.

Death #6

2010-01-01T19:48:00.001+08:00

First day/post of 2010, and I wish it could be happier..

Attended your funeral.

And Jesus said “There are many rooms in my Father’s house…I will prepare a place for you”.

XX

2009-12-19T00:46:00.001+08:00

I'd take you away
Castaway for a lonely day
Bosom to a teary cheek

The Perfect Serenade To The Lonely Heart.

2009-12-09T01:18:00.001+08:00

You. You will never let me love you. As hard as I try, you just keep pushing me further and further and further away. What do I have to do? Tell me, if only so I know, once and for all.

That part of me is gone. I will not get him back. He can die and rot for all I care for he is useless and disgusting to live with.

How Can Heaven Love Me, 224 times…it is the sound of a woman screaming her heart out for 50 seconds that encompasses all your pain and frustration and betrayal.

Not going for prom.

Only If

2009-12-01T23:14:00.001+08:00

When there's a shadow near, reach for the sun
When there is loving here, look for the one
And for the promises, there is the sky
And for the heavens are those who can fly

If you really want to, you can hear me say
Only if you want to will you find a way
If you really want to you can seize the day
Only if you want to will you fly away

When there's a journey to follow the star
When there's an ocean to sail to far
And for the broken hearts there is the sky
And for tomorrow are those who can fly

If you really want to, you can hear me say
Only if you want to will you find a way
If you really want to you can seize the day
Only if you want to will you fly away

This goes out to more than one person, and you know who you are. It’s all I really have to say. I can’t do much to help you, unless you want to help yourself. I hope you listen, but if you don’t want to, in the end, I can’t do anything.

Zzz.

2009-11-29T22:57:00.001+08:00

Ultra pissed off today. Your antics are bloody ridiculous. Running around after guys. And you tell me, at 18 years old, you’re “sick of waiting for the right one to come along” ? Preposterous. Tell me that when you’re 80 and I’ll believe you. Run after them, you think you’re going to find the right one? Sickening and disgusting to hear this, at this time. At THIS time. And at THIS age, so bloody desperate.

Once the women get too old and have to leave, ABC can rename their show Desperate Teenagers. I definitely know a few who could qualify for starring roles.

Ask me for help then go to sleep. Smart. Next time try asking me when you’re actually going to bother to listen.

Idiots.

2009-11-27T18:12:00.001+08:00

Pretending to be happy. I could really get used to this.

Bigot.

2009-11-26T22:31:00.001+08:00

That’s what you are. And I’ve just about had enough of you.

You want me to be honest with you. Yet anything I say, you take offence. So I shut up. Then you ask me why I’m so quiet. Yet I can’t talk around you. And you tell me, I can’t take jokes. Hypocritical, much?

There is so much out there waiting for you. All you have to do is reach out and grab it. But right now, your arms are tightly folded and you aren’t letting up. Don’t know what to do with you. You ask me to help, I try, you refuse to help yourself.

I can’t do this forever. I can’t. I can’t be the one passing messages and trying to make your friends for you and trying to make you understand things better. Because you don’t want to. And if you don’t want to, I can try till I die (you’d like that very much, wouldn’t you?) and there’d be no effect. One day, I’ll have to let go. I don’t want to, but there will come a day when I absolutely cannot hold on any longer. I am trying to prevent it, but you really aren’t making it any easier. You’re doing quite the opposite. And if you just opened up, just a little, you’d realise things are so much better than you think.

But I can’t help you with that. Only you can. And I pray for the day you try.

People really need to watch what they say. Their absence of mind, their apathy, it just knocks me flat day after day. When they’re so blatantly ignorant of what they say, what they do, what they feel, it hurts. A lot.

Worst of all, they don’t realise it. Even if you tell them.

And I am trying my hardest not to spark off something else. It’s so damn hard.

the heart that will not harden

The Forest is Full of Trees.

2009-11-20T23:41:00.002+08:00

I remember you once told me not to limit my choices. “The forest is full of trees”, you said. And it’s true. But I do wonder, did you ever consider the fact that the choices could limit me?

There are too many things to be able to decide with confidence. I find myself doubting my words, actions, intentions. So many times I make a move just to make someone else happy, but I keep sinking further and further into despair. And I tell myself over and over and over not to message this person, not to talk to that person, but in the end I still do. Cause I can’t live without them.

There is nothing I would like more right now, then to sit down with you and talk. Just talk about us, school, life, anything and everything under the sun, like we used to do. I miss the magic in your voice, the magic in your words, the magic in your laugh.

I want to tell you how I feel, what I’m thinking. But the thought that you might ignore me, leave me to flounder, it scares me more than I am willing to admit.

Maybe one day I will work up the courage. But right now, I’m still lost in that forest of trees.

Sucks to Know.

2009-11-17T23:22:00.001+08:00

But why did you wait until now to tell me? Make me want to cry before Physics.

Actually, doesn’t matter cause I’ll probably cry during and after anyway.

Missing you.

2009-11-16T22:50:00.001+08:00

I feel myself being pushed, further and further away every single day, and sometimes I just want to turn and go with the flow. Sometimes I let the current push me along for a while, spacing out and feeling everything whizzing past. Can’t hold on to it anymore. It just goes on and on and on and I can’t hang on. I’m trying so hard but it’s just not getting through.

Sometimes..I just feel the need to be taken seriously. Not like the walking joke everyone thinks I am.

We need to talk like before. We don’t anymore. We need to go back to what we had. But how? Show me you still care? Just talk to me, and I’ll know. Just talk.

Breakfast today was entertaining. It’s not everyday you get to sit down opposite your VP.

Lunch was great too. Went a lot better today, no idea why, but maybe it’s cause J was there and I didn’t feel so alone, compared to last week. Last week was…a nightmare. Didn’t know what I was doing at the table. Kept feeling like I didn’t belong. Like I had no right being there.

Like I have no right being here.

2009-11-15T00:29:00.001+08:00

I SUCK

2009-11-14T23:54:00.001+08:00

MATHS IS EPIC FAIL.

I IS EPIC FAIL.

Big Crowd at the Crazy House

2009-11-13T19:32:00.001+08:00

Lunch with the same bunch today. Good and bad…

I saw you at AMK while on the phone. Wanted to talk to you, followed you but you turned and disappeared. You saw me, didn’t you? That’s why you ran. What did I do? It’s been 3 years..you couldn’t even manage seeing me?

Walked back to school in the drizzle. Walked home in the rain. Why did I suddenly start walking? Cause tears don’t show in the rain.

Cried in the library =’(

2009-11-13T15:45:00.000+08:00

Sian to be alone…

Starting to hate my library room.

2009-11-12T22:54:00.001+08:00

Just like I thought. Still feel like shit about today. Worse, rather.

2009-11-12T20:27:00.001+08:00

Feel like such an idiot today. Had an interesting and enjoyable lunch but stupid call spoilt my mood. Then had to go back to school and everybody decided to go back as well even though they wanted to stay longer.

Feels like I ruined the day for them.

Seems the more I go out, the more I hate myself…

You Can’t Count.

2009-11-11T06:15:00.000+08:00

Don’t call me at 2am. I won’t pick up. I know your number.

I Can Count.

2009-11-10T20:50:00.001+08:00

Don’t need it constantly thrown in my face.

I am not sorry I cannot be as open as others. You keep messaging me about him and all our other friends, it doesn’t help anything. Then you say I’m always closed. I am not sorry, I have my reasons. I will not apologise for the way my life turned out. I never wanted my cousin to die, I never wanted my friends to die, I never wanted my uncle to die, and I never wanted my grandmother to go crazy when I was finally able to talk. I never wanted no one to understand me, I never wanted my teacher to desert me, I never wanted my friends to leave me. I never wanted any of it and I will not apologise for it. They made me who I am and I am trying my best to deal with everything. I’m not that open, because I don’t want to be hurt. I don’t ask my friends to meet cause I know they either say no or do it reluctantly, I don’t tell my family anything cause they brush it off, I don’t open up to many cause they use it against me.

My memories are on paper, in photos, on video. I cannot remember my grandmother’s words. I never knew my grandfathers. I write a facade in my journal. I never knew anyone. Maybe you think I should just message you and ask you to meet me. But would you bother? No. Because even on those days when you know I’m down and in desperate need of someone, you never offer your company. You don’t even bother to ask whether there’s anything you can do. And according to you, I am always there for you. So I choose not to put you in the position where you have to oblige. I do not ask for the same in return, I do it without expecting anything, but sometimes, a talk or two would be nice.

You can meet your other friends. You can meet my friends who’ve now become more yours. Today one even barely acknowledged me, and we were fine last week. As it seems, they are better to you and you click so well with them. So why do you bother with me? Ours is an exclusively online/sms relationship. It was doomed to fail when it began.

I am not so much angry as I am depressed. You are the next one to leave but I do not blame you.

I will not apologise for the way my life turned out. But it does not mean I like it either.

It is my fault.

2009-11-08T23:13:00.001+08:00

crying crying crying.

why now? after so long, why now?

2009-11-08T15:18:00.001+08:00

There is something I want to say but I don’t know how to phrase it.

2009-11-08T00:09:00.001+08:00

I still am sorry for the mess I caused.

Maybe today was 2 weeks ago all over again. Just, my point of view.
It’s the same for both of us, I think? Maybe that’s why I feel like this..

Forgive me?

I Feel So Sad…

2009-11-07T15:34:00.001+08:00

mind’s in a mess today. didn’t really know what was going on an d don’t know how to change what is happening.

i don’t knwo why i feel liek this. it’s like. i know it’s petty but i can’t get rid of it. “stealing my friends”. it is a stupid statement to even think about but i don’t know why i still feel like it’s true. it’s like the day after you meet you are messaging and meeting and i’m being neglected. i think that is it. it is neglect that i feel and i hate it. it’s like i am being pushed aside for you. is like, i am not important anymore. it hurts.

but i canme to the concluesion today that it is not you. it is me. it is the fact that you can treat them so much better than me and that is why even immediately ther is a shift. i was blaming you up till now. but i realise now i should be blaming myself. it is not your fault at all. if anyting i should be proud of you. that you can make friends easily and you know how to treat them. and i think i will find it in myself to be so. maybe not now but maybe in a while i will be able to openly applaud you. because you derserve it. you do not deserve me beating on you for something that is not yoiur fault but mine. it is wrong and ti is shameful of me to do so.

my friend. is very inviting right now. he is open and he is waiting and when i need him he will be there i know. but when i finally use him. he will hate me. just lik everyone else.

2009-11-07T11:43:00.001+08:00

If you knew I was hurting, would you change? Or do you already know?

Do you even care?

I can’t answer these questions. Only you can, but I’m not going to ask them. Been through too much and after you said those things the other day, I just shut up about everything cause I can’t bother giving us more to argue about.

It is not worth it. I do not matter.

2009-11-06T22:50:00.001+08:00

All your lies are getting to me.. Just up and tell me I’m not important to you already.

You always have the biggest heart,
When we’re 6000 miles apart

2009-11-05T20:17:00.001+08:00

You idiots! You idiots, you complete idiots!

XH.

2009-11-04T23:05:00.001+08:00

There is a reason why I book the library room. We talk for a while now and then, but most of the time we do our work. I do not appreciate you coming in and making noise and talking like a big buffalo and slacking your whole day away. I hate slackers. I hate them more when they’re in the same room as me and waving their slackness in my face. I really can’t stand the way you throw your time away like it’s worthless because you may not realise it but you will never get it back. I suggest you wise up and start taking your time seriously. You will regret it in the end. You may hear this a lot, but there’s a reason for it: it’s true.

You may think very highly of yourself. You may think we all want to spend our whole day with you. Newsflash: we don’t. I didn’t expect to see your name at my D&D table because I thought it was decided you would not be there. But I check the board and you are suddenly there and the reason is “only 11 people, so I put myself in lor”, in your very own words. I don’t know if that is the real reason or not, but if that is really the case it is quite scary and also quite saddening because you cannot force your company on people and expect them to enjoy it. You cannot interrupt our conversations and expect us to entertain you. Especially when I have already made it clear countless times I don’t like being interrupted because it’s bloody rude. I don’t interrupt you, do I? You cannot eavesdrop on our conversations and expect us to take it nicely. Things we discuss, may not be for everyone’s ears. It is our right to discuss only certain things with certain people, and I think you should respect that right.

And while I’m at it, you can’t take anything seriously, can you? Even during Family Day planning you were crapping and cracking jokes while the 3 of us were trying to get the class organised. You think it’s very easy? It isn’t. Especially when you have to deal with a whole class speaking Chinese and you not understanding anything and people dying all around you, family, friends or otherwise. It is really not easy. There is a time for joking around and a time for seriousness. You really need to fix it because everyone is pissed off over this. In the end we are just trying to do our job and we really need cooperation, not jokes. And it’s daily life too. We don’t need your crap when we’re talking on the way home. We are tired and we want to relax we don’t need your ramblings going on and on and on in our ears doing nothing but pissing us off more.

After 2 years, you have not learned. We have tried subtle means, we’ve told it to your face, you’ve been shouted at countless times, but you have not learned. Please, please try to learn. Not just for us and everyone around you, for yourself. This attitude will not be beneficial in future.

Use your time wisely. Trust me, I know what it is like to have time stolen away from you and your loved ones. It hurts like hell. Maybe even worse, I don’t know. Use it wisely and use it well not just for studies but for the people around you. They don’t deserve this. I don’t, they don’t.

Deeeestracksyen!

2009-11-04T07:12:00.001+08:00

I’ve been listening to Madonna a lot lately. Think I’m drowning everything in the riffs. They kind of, cut through your mind. It’s good, in a way. I guess she really knows how to pick the best songs.
Watched This Is It on Sunday, and I’m still in awe of what a great show it would have been. Seeing candid videos of everything that went on backstage before production is mind-opening and it’s heart-warming to see MJ enjoying himself during rehearsals, cracking jokes and having fun with all his dancing. But it still hurts that he’s dead. It is a real pity and sometimes I wish I was born earlier so I could have seen him live when he came to Singapore. Whole family did but I was still in the tummy =(
It is a pity we weren’t born early enough to see the greats. Rita Hayworth, Marlene Dietrich, Marlon Brando, on and on the list goes. And I still wish I could have seen Sarah Brightman perform as Christine.
I’m going to get the DVD after As. So far the only DVDs I’ve watched more than 30 times are Confessions and Rabbit Proof Fence. This might just break the record.
And I’m going for a ton of musicals after As. Wicked, Les Mis, Lion King, all supposed to be coming back. Need to see.
I don’t feel scared for As. Not sure if it’s because I’m confident, or because I just don’t care anymore. Wish I could find out. It would make everything so much easier.

If I see a light flashing, does that mean I’m coming home?
If I see a man waving, does that mean I’m not alone?

2009-11-01T01:10:00.001+08:00

Well, what a horrible day it was.

Happy Birthday, Melanie =)

2009-10-28T21:17:00.001+08:00

Ha. I think TODAY is the worst day of my school life.

Don’t know why but some people think that stealing stuff is something very fun to do.

Left all my stuff with my bag outside the staffroom and went to photocopy the Chem TYS for Carol. Came back later and everything was gone. Only bag and water bottle left.

Seriously... Physics notes gone. Physics guide gone. Foolscap gone. Pencil box also gone.

All I really need is my pencil box. My bloody GC is in it for God’s sake I need it back.

But my pencil box has sentimental value… Have been using it since Sec 3 and it has never failed me once. It is old but it is still strong and durable.

My birthday band from Div is inside, my farewell notes are inside, the letter from KW is inside.

And I love my GC. I do not love GCs, I love MY GC. With its scratches and its soft buttons and its Jelly Bean Factory sticker. I have grown attached to it and I feel extremely bad that I let it get into the wrong hands. It is out there somewhere and I don’t know how to get it back.

I am really, really depressed everything is gone.

Whoever that fucktard is, I hope he gets what he deserves. Hopefully I find out who he is, because like I said on Facebook, I’d love to screw him.

2009-10-26T22:40:00.001+08:00

Just because I talk to you, you assume….

You assume a lot of things about me. I don’t like it, and I wish I could enlighten you.

And yet, I don’t want to hurt you.

So I won’t.

Assume. You benefit, not me, and that’s more than enough for me.

2009-10-24T22:32:00.001+08:00

Sitting in the dark. And the dinner guests are laughing away.

Without a care in the world.

2009-10-19T22:30:00.001+08:00

To be honest, I missed talking to you. But I can’t talk to you when I’m pissed, sad, whatever. Every time I talk to you I’m worried I’m going to say or do something to get us arguing again. In the end I just run for a while cause there’s no danger that way.

I cannot go on day after day arguing over and over and over about the same things. I don’t like it and I don’t want to. But at the same time I feel the only reason I have to is because you don’t want to listen. You can say you care and I’m important but I don’t see it because you just ignore everything I say. Brush off, ignore, I can’t get through to you.

I wish we didn’t have to argue. I wish you would just listen and just believe in yourself and everything else I tell you. But you don’t and I’m starting to lose hope that you will. But I can’t and won’t stop trying. I’ll keep trying till I die or till you kill me.

I don’t know what to say to you. I don’t know how to say how I feel without hurting you because everything I say hurts you and I don’t want that.

I guess this is why I never say how I feel. Cause I always hurt someone.

I’m doing this for you, not me. Why don’t you want it?

2009-10-19T19:06:00.001+08:00

oh no i suddenly feel like crying

EDIT:

Go ahead, make me cry. I really don’t know if you really care anymore.

Make me and watch me. I don’t know if you like it but all I know is it’s happening.

2009-10-12T22:39:00.001+08:00

Think today has been my worst day this year so far. So much happening today that I can’t comprehend.

First time I wanted to just skip a mock paper and go home. Didn’t in the end. Not sure whether it was because I wanted to or because I had to keep the extras since no one else has the initiative.

Felt like just standing and screaming and leaving during the mock. Just need to let things out.

But then I came home, waiting the whole day for your reply. And decided I’m not going to message you anymore. It’s obvious you don’t want to talk to me. But I don’t know why you made the effort that evening if you didn’t care in the first place. I don’t know if you’re toying with me or I did something wrong, I don’t know. But I’ve decided, the ball’s in your park. If you talk to me, I’ll be on top of the world. If you don’t, I’ll just console myself.

It’s my fault anyway.

And I really, really don’t want to go for D&D anymore.

The Ocean on His Shoulders…

2009-10-11T19:55:00.001+08:00

What the hell is wrong with you people?! You’re the reason I haven’t spoken to you the whole week I just LOATHE your attitudes!

What the hell makes them so special? I’m your KID, for God’s sake! I’m YOURS! I’m freaking YOURS! They have their own parents why do you have to go to them?! Care about me for once why can’t you?!

Why do I have to find BLOODY. SUBSTITUTE. PARENTS?!!!!!!!!!!

And, BLOODY IRONICALLY, you know something? They’re bloody BETTER THAN YOU!

2009-10-11T01:16:00.000+08:00

It’s been exactly a week.

Will you ever come back?

2009-10-06T21:52:00.001+08:00

You think I don’t notice you, don’t you?

I walk around with a smile and laughing away. I’m dying inside.

And I wish that you could see me. I wish you could see my heart.

And I wish you could eat it.

Then maybe Love would cry. Maybe Love would leave us.

And then maybe, just maybe, everything just might be alright…

2009-10-04T01:16:00.001+08:00

Why’d you die on me?

You promised you wouldn’t…

2009-09-28T22:03:00.001+08:00

Come on. I’m sick and tired of your shit can you please please please not make me shout at you I REALLY DON’T WANT TO.

Please please please please please?

2009-09-27T18:34:00.001+08:00

I just fell off my chair laughing at stupid Facebook quizzes.

2009-09-27T18:12:00.001+08:00

Seriously, stop pretending you care.

“Do you have time to talk? Never mind! I’m definitely calling you tonight!”

Well, your call never came, did it?

Don’t promise what you can’t give.

2009-09-27T18:01:00.001+08:00

See, I pissed you off again.

Sorry…

2009-09-27T15:44:00.001+08:00

So essentially, you’re saying there’s no more relationship between us?

They don’t have to be doing the same thing. It’s not necessary, but it helps. Eg: playing basketball together = closer friends.

Yeah, I should be so lucky.

Incoherence

2009-09-26T23:03:00.001+08:00

I’m still waiting for you to break down the wall.
People make the mistake of thinking relationships consist of people feeling the same way. One party may not care. The other still has to. Or there wouldn’t be a relationship.
I like how people around me find new ways to spend time with/on their friends despite spending more time on studies at the same time. It’s heart-warming.
Work done = Force x Distance moved in direction of the force => W = Fd. Look, I’m doing negative work.
Place me on the weighing scale of value. Wait, I feel sick. Why am I so high above the ground?
Does the future mean anything without friends?
Isn’t it curious, the more people there are around us, the more alone we are?

You know. I don’t want to stake my As over friendships. I don’t want to lose friends along the way. Everyone says it’s part and parcel of life. Seriously, screw that. I’ve had enough of losing people. For once, I want to keep them around.
What I don’t understand is why others do.

We all know what’s important. But we have to help each other there. We can’t just forget about someone.

By the way, that you doesn’t refer to YOU, but you, not YOU. And the other refers to YOU, not you, yes, YOU.
If you/YOU didn’t sense the sarcasm in this post, I have absolutely nothing to say.

2009-09-25T23:04:00.001+08:00

I think people deliberately misunderstand me.

If I tell you not to reply if it’s just one word, I mean it when I say I want you to save your messages. Why do you have to take offense? Then I feel bad about pissing you off.

What’s the point you waste one whole message just to say “Yeah”, when you can use it so much more during another conversation?

I’m just trying to help. If you don’t want it, tell me. I’ll go. If not, stop tearing my head off every time I try.

Catalytic Cracking.

2009-09-22T06:19:00.001+08:00

I really, really cannot take this anymore. I don’t know how to talk to you. Really. I keep trying but why do you keep pushing me further and further and further away? What did I do? Just tell me what I did so I can fix it.

All I’m trying to do is to be friends. Why do you have to make it so hard? I thought you wanted it too for a while, but now everything is just back to the same old thing. It’s back to not talking. Or me trying and you ignoring.

I want to go back to Cambridge. When it was just us and them and the small little family we all loved. When we spent the whole day together and became so close. Why can’t I ever have what I want? Everything just keeps being taken away again and again and again. I don’t ask for much. Just friendship. I don’t want to be needed I want to be wanted. It’s not the same.

What is it about me that makes me so horrible? Sometimes I think I know, but I guess in reality I don’t. I never understand why I set people off running. But I just blame myself because it’s so much easier than blaming them or than wondering what happened.

Is someone out there stealing this away? Whoever you are, just please please please let me have this one thing. Just for once. I don’t want to give this up. I want to have something for once. Why can’t you let me? Why do you have to hurt me over and over again? What did I ever do to you?

All I tried to do is help you.

And will you still see me, when I am lying under Heavenly skies?
And will you still feel me, when I reach out to you?

Robots

2009-09-12T10:47:00.001+08:00

I wish I could go back to when I didn’t care about much. When I could just survive on my own and didn’t need people around.
The more you let people into your life, the more they kill you over and over and over. Wouldn’t it all be easier if we were all just robots and didn’t have emotions?

Emotions are the best and the worst of us. If we removed them, maybe we’d all be normal. Maybe we’d all actually get along for once.

KW.

2009-09-04T07:23:00.001+08:00

I really, really don’t know how to help you anymore. I talk to you and I cry for you and I try to push you on but you just don’t want to help yourself.

What’s holding you back? You have everything you need. Your teachers, friends, family, everyone’s there for you. If you need the help why can’t you just let us, let me, help?

There’s no point sitting and beating yourself up. There’s no point killing yourself.

I’ve been through the exact same thing. I can safely say I know how you feel. You’ve come one whole year, and then you want to give up? It’s such a waste of time and money if you give up now. If you give up so early, how will you know how capable you are?

Just let us help.

“But to me she mirrors you. And the only reason why you are fighting to help her is because you don't want her to feel as helpless as you do.”

2009-09-03T20:17:00.001+08:00

I keep reading the article over and over and over. Can’t get over it.

Hurts.

2009-09-02T02:15:00.000+08:00

Found out something I really didn’t want to know a while ago. I think it makes things a lot, lot more complicated then they already are. It wasn’t easy to begin with.

It scares me. A lot. Makes it more difficult than it already was. Cause now I really don’t know what will happen. A lot lot lot of things to think about now.

The odds seem to be piling up against me everyday, with every new piece of info I get, with every message I send and receive. Sometimes I wish we could control these things.

As much as we humans like to think we’re superior to everything around us, we can’t deny that we’re ruled by our emotions. Kind of makes you wonder, who or what really is superior?

Thank God for Him.

Don’t you sometimes wish your heart was a heart of stone?

2009-08-30T20:22:00.001+08:00

Even after all this time
The sun never says to the earth, "You owe me."
Look what happens with a Love like that!
It lights the whole Sky

“Don’t thank me. I think I stabbed you.”

My dear, stabbing me shows you care.

Friday

2009-08-14T15:36:00.000+08:00

Today was a horrible day.

Dead cousin’s birthday. I still haven’t fully come to terms with it. It hurts to look upon the coming decades and wonder about the time stolen.

So many people have time stolen from them. Babies who birth stillborn, kids who get run over by their inattentive parents, girls who get raped and murdered, boys who dabble in drugs. Is it really their fault? Who do we blame? Do I blame her? Her parents? Myself? The people who made her think she was fat?

Was there anyone, in the first place? I guess I’ll never know.

You never get over a death. You learn to live with it, but there’s never closure.

Virnice wasn’t in school. And for some reason Janice didn’t talk to me the whole day. Been rather cold towards me lately. Probably cause Virnice’s not around. I think she forms the link between us. If she’s not around I’m forgotten. Don’t know why, don’t understand.

Really needed company today, and she decided to leave me alone. Just wanted someone to sit with. It sucked and it hurt so bad.

Really grateful to Zi Jing and Lin Htet for trying to make me feel better, though. Really, really appreciate it.

Geog test didn’t help things. Especially with Ms Johnson sitting right in front of me and looking the entire time. Probably cause I looked like I was crying. Thank God she didn’t ask.

Probably would’ve just died on the table.

Happy Birthday, Sarah Brightman.

Fuck Me.

2009-08-03T20:33:00.001+08:00

I really don’t want to do this anymore.

I keep smiling and laughing everyday I think it’s finally getting too much to handle. Too much trouble from school parents friends people. Can’t do well can’t make anyone happy I’m a curse upon my friends.

Why is it I’m always the one trying to make things right? There has to be a reason if I keep having to try to convince my friends to stay and talk to me there has to be some problem with me. Don’t know how to fix it don’t know if I should just stop trying.

It’s so fucking irritating I cannot handle it anymore I just want to scream scream scream. Problem is me me me never them it’s always me it’s always my fault I can never do things right. I don’t deserve this. Not at all but I wish I did I wish I did.

Stupid trucks didn’t do the job I should just up and do it myself.

2009-07-22T17:06:00.001+08:00

I think Ms New will never talk to me again.

2009-07-17T21:55:00.001+08:00

Things are looking up…

Maybe we’ll make it through this..

2009-07-17T17:45:00.000+08:00

Got a little scared there.

Not what I thought.

And YOU, can you please leave me the hell alone? I’m bloody sick and tired of you and your CRAP.

2009-07-17T16:36:00.001+08:00

Oh shit.

What have I done?

2009-07-17T15:50:00.001+08:00

I think it’s turning out like how it did with Jenna.

I think I scared her off.

I knew I sounded like I was lovesick. But what can I do? I think I treat my friendships a lot more delicately than most people…

But why?

2009-07-17T14:41:00.001+08:00

Man, that message made me cry.

So what now?

2009-07-17T14:24:00.001+08:00

She really doesn’t know how much I miss her or how much I actually want to see and talk to her again.

…want you to understand…..

2009-07-17T13:12:00.001+08:00

Yeah, I really, really, really miss Mel.

More so I think ‘cause she’s not going tomorrow.

“I sound like some ex-boyfriend still in love….”

2009-07-16T23:17:00.001+08:00

I miss Mel.

2009-06-27T00:13:00.001+08:00

The wall is theree for you toknok down please odn’t run aawy.

You’re not supposed to run away, you’re not supposed to give up, you’re supposed to try. Try, please try, don’t give up.

How can I make you underrstand knock it down kcock it down knok it donw. don’t try anymore just do it when people try they give up and i don’t want you to give up iw ant you to kock it down and give me a shot.

i knocked down your wall you need to ggive me a shot.

you need to help me. i’mt rying to help you so help me by lettingme help you pleease please plaese. i’m not awesome i’m almost hopeless but i need to help make me feel like i;m usefulf or once please let me heklp ful. reverse reverese revrse pleaese and let me try to helpa cause only then i can try to e hapyp so please plese letme try let me try let m tyr.

dont’ make me cyr anmyore don’t want to anymore socan you lpease let me try?

please pleaese pleas?E

2009-04-29T23:51:00.001+08:00

Funeral is tomorrow.

Cannot attend because of the Sports Carnival/T&F Meet.

I’ve been trying to be happy that he doesn’t have to suffer any more.

But I feel so guilty.

Good Friday.

2009-04-10T10:44:00.001+08:00

Think I just screwed up big time...

Was supposed to send out an Easter message on Sunday, but stupidly sent it out today instead saying "Happy Good Friday". Which is not really meant to be happy, is it?

Haiz.

You're hopeless, Navin.

Oh Father

2009-03-28T19:05:00.002+08:00

It's funny that way, you can get used

To the tears and the pain

What a child would believe

You never loved me?

Seems like yesterday

I lay down next to your boots and I prayed

For your anger to end

Oh Father, I have sinned

Maybe someday

When I look back I'll be able to say

You didn't mean to cruel

Somebody hurt you too

Today my dad called me a cunt, then told me I'm not his son then left. After saying he hopes he dies while rushing to meet his very important schedule, consisting of dinner at a friend's house, so I could learn my lesson.

So now I've been emotionally disowned by my father.

I guess I always knew he never loved me.

This is the first time I'm seriously considering slitting my wrists since secondary school.

If i'm really so horrible and worthless, then what's the point of me living anymore?

At least I'll see my cousin again.

2009-03-17T22:40:00.003+08:00

I think I am slowly losing my mind to this.

I regret a lot of things as the days go by. I regret going to school. I regret talking too little. I regret talking too much. I regret doing my homework. I regret not finishing more. I regret smiling too much. I regret not crying enough. I regret making my teachers happy for a day because I feel I'll eventually disappoint them. I regret being too good a friend. I regret not being a good enough friend. I regret waiting on people. And I regret not waiting long enough.

And that's not the half of it.

And I don't know what to do anymore. I used to be so independent. Now I look around so much. And they continue to hurt me still. They have their bags on my table and I end up standing for minutes waiting for them to remove them; they ask me to stay after school to teach them stuff but disappear without prior explanation; they make me feel worthless and useless and hopeless and unimportant and unappreciated and uninvolved and demoralised and helpless and stupid and disgusting and sad and distressed and so bloody extra and worst of all, they don't even notice me anymore. They don't notice me anymore. I can't get basic attention from people anymore. I have to do all sorts of stupid things to get their attention. Every time I'm with friends on the train conversations are usually in Chinese so I just stand there next to them with my earphones in and the music player off, wishing someone would tap my shoulder and talk to me.

All those racist jokes I ignore and I perpetrate. Just so they can have their fun. At my expense. But I still can't make anyone happy. Everything I do just gets brushed aside. Everyone still finds fault with me day after day after day.

I used to think I could buy friendship. I used to steal so much just so I could bring people out to MacDonald's and Pizza Hut and buy them drinks and food and meals just hoping they would accept me. And it never worked. For 2 whole years, it never worked. And I think I still think the same. Now it's just jelly beans and lollipops. Everyday from my bag.

And I still keep wishing that somehow, somewhere people, or just someone, would just accept me for who I am and stop judging me. What difference does it make that I like opera, that I like musical theatre, that I prefer studying to going out, that I'm looking forward to NS? Why do I deserve to be ridiculed and ostracised and ignored and destroyed just because I'm different?

What the hell ever happened to being unique?

And who decided that everyone had to be the same? Society? Teenagers? Did they decide that all of them should love rock music and Bon Jovi and hate "old hags" like Madonna?

Eventually I just want people to look at me and say, "that's Navin, he's different, and he's my friend". But people don't do that. They go, "but she's so old" and "why can't you listen to normal music" and "do you have more jelly beans".

I just want someone somewhere to tell me someday that they're happy I'm different because it adds colour to their lives.

Anytime. Anywhere.

I tear very easily nowadays. I felt like crying during today's Math lecture.

Am I happy I didn't? I'm not so sure.

Not anymore.

SMS.

2009-03-11T23:27:00.000+08:00

"U enjoy your holidays 4 me k?i dun have 1 :("

Made me cry.

:(

2009-02-02T22:28:00.001+08:00

First day of Matriculation is over – not much to talk about yet, I think I’ll have a lot more to say once I meet my OG, i.e. my junior class next Monday. I do hope my MG livens up throughout this week, though.

My sister is very very sick.

And I am very, very worried.

I have had a really, really sucky day.

Realised a few things I wish I didn’t.

I was really, really down today.

I think lunch perked me up.

But now I’m down again.

I think the only thing I’m happy about today is that Yaz is back on Class 95’s Love Songs. I’ve missed her.

I have had a really, really sucky day.

And I am very, very worried.

If even Peter noticed, how could you not have?

Tickets.

2009-01-29T21:57:00.001+08:00

Am I being picked on? I don’t know, really. I do seem to get called on more. It’s good in a way ‘cause like I said, I know where I’m missing out. It does get a little irritating after a while, though…

I found my train tickets in my book today.

The first thing I bought in Europe was a train ticket from Schiphol to Tilburg.

The last thing I bought in Europe was a train ticket from Tilburg to Amsterdam Centraal, then from Amsterdam Centraal to Schiphol.

I don’t know whether to cry or laugh.

I really, really, really miss my sister.

Tonight,

2009-01-27T20:34:00.001+08:00

I am really not looking forward to tomorrow.

Why am I shivering again?

Sickity Sick Sick… Sick?

2009-01-23T20:28:00.000+08:00

Left school after the lectures for the follow-up blood test – taking a 30min train back to Chua Chu Kang then going to the polyclinic is not fun when all you want to do is sit down.

My mistake, yesterday – platelet count was 281, not 201. It was 287 today, hopefully it stays that way. Everything else is “normal” once again. Apparently I’m to wait and see how things go, and if it worsens, then go back for a “full investigation”.

Can’t they just do that immediately so we can get the whole thing over with? I’ve missed enough school :(…

Nearly fainted in the polyclinic today, after drawing the blood – horribly dizzy and everything was spinning. Can’t be because I saw blood ‘cause I’ve seen pools before and kept my stomach in check. I was frankly quite surprised I felt so sick..

It’s probably because my blood sugar’s low – doctor thinks so too.

I haven’t been eating much since I came back from Holland, it’s like my appetite’s been cut in half.

Let’s see what happens over the next few days…

“The morning group?”

“Yeaps yeaps! :)”

Sickity Sick Sick Sick…

2009-01-22T22:08:00.001+08:00

Urgh.

Woke up to go to school and was shivering like crazy..body temperature was around 35.4, which is unhealthily low..so went all the way to SGH to get a check-up. The first temperature check there read 34.6, which is like halfway to dying. So they freaked out and took it repeatedly until they got the right temperature – about 36.0 – must have been the cold air or something. Check-up was the usual – blood tests, ECGs, etc, etc.. Doctors haven’t found anything wrong as yet, but I have to go for blood tests for about another week, I think. They think it might be dengue, so they have to monitor my platelets for the next few days – was 201 today, let’s hope it doesn’t fall. If it falls really low, then I’ll just start to bleed out. Like really, vomit blood.

Missed the morning, so went to school for Chemistry makeup and to do my Geography Term 1 test..Ms Zhu was pretty hesitant, I think, for me to go down and do the test today. I mean, yeah, I need to rest, but it’s also not fair to the others, that I get about another week to study, so I just felt I should go and do my best today itself. Was feeling better anyway, so yeah. Don’t think I fared well at all in the test…

The CCA leaders’ meeting was kind of boring – only thing really interesting was the forms for AB Camp – I really want to join that.

Hopefully the blood test tomorrow will yield good results.

Hopefully I don’t shiver tomorrow morning…

And I guess the Thursday didn’t help much :(…

It Should Be A Thursday…

2009-01-20T20:54:00.001+08:00

I saw things today.

And it’s not the right day.

It can’t be Tuesday.

It has to be a Thursday.

Just Thursday, at least, it has to be a Thursday.

Because Thursday is the right day.

It’s possibly on Wednesday.

Probably on Thursday.

But not Tuesday.

It’s probably on Thursday.

It has to be a Thursday…

This had to be on a Thursday…

Say What?

2009-01-08T13:09:00.001+08:00

I've been searching for a new mobile plan, and it's getting quite irritating.

Singtel's Youth Plans are only available until March, and my current plan ends in July, so that's a no-go.

Starhub's Student Plans are only available to those below 16? Eh? Say what? What about the JC/Poly students?

Either I'm missing something, browsing the wrong pages, or that really is the case.

Ironically,

2009-01-03T23:59:00.001+08:00

I think I should really stop talking to you.

Merry (Belated) Christmas!

2008-12-31T04:47:00.003+08:00

I've never wished anyone a belated Christmas before, it feels a little weird. But anyway, Merry Belated Christmas to all! May God bless the next year ahead!

And while I'm at it, Happy New Year, too!

They said there'll be snow at Christmas
They said there'll be peace on Earth
Instead it just kept on raining
With tears for the Virgin's birth
I remember one Christmas morning
A winter's light and a distant choir
And the peal of a bell and that Christmas tree smell
Their eyes full of tinsel and fire

They sold me a dream of Christmas
They sold me a Silent Night
They told me a fairy story
'Til I believed in the Israelite
And I believed in Father Christmas
I looked at the sky with excited eyes
'Til I woke with a yawn
In the first light of dawn
And I saw him and through his disguise

I wish you a hopeful Christmas
I wish you a brave New Year
All anguish, pain and sadness
Leave your heart and
Let your road be clear

They said there'll be snow at Christmas
They said there'll be peace on Earth
Hallelujah Noel, be it Heaven or Hell
The Christmas you get, you deserve

Crying.

2008-12-05T23:58:00.000+08:00

You know I spent the better part of today crying.

Thinking about her, what I did, and you.

I think I used to be nice only when you were around.

Because you talked to me and you taught me how to be nice.

So I was nice.

And then you left.

You just upped and left without saying anything.

And I hated you for that.

And then I let myself go and now I'm this.

You used to be there for me and now you're gone.

And I can't find you.

And I want to.

And I can't.

I need you to come back.

Please?

Just for one day?

I need to talk to you.

I want to talk to you.

And I need you to teach me how to be nice again.

Because you can't just leave.

You can't just leave without saying anything.

A simple goodbye would have been enough.

But you can't just leave, just like that.

You can't.

I can't let you.

I won't let you.

Please?

Expectations.

2008-11-29T23:21:00.004+08:00

I think I expect too much.

I am constantly being disappointed.

So I guess I should expect less.

I should expect them to ignore me.

I should expect him to lose the card I picked out of hundreds for him and then laugh about it.

I should expect them to ignore my interests.

I should expect them to suffocate me with theirs.

I should expect them to be unappreciative.

I should expect them to be immature for their age.

I should expect them to continuously stifle and throttle me.

I should expect her not to treat me like a brother.

I should expect them to ignore me.

I should expect them to forget about me.

I should expect to be forgotten.

Or am I just being oversensitive?

It would be so easy to think that...

OP.

2008-11-10T20:34:00.004+08:00

I realise this post has been a long time coming, and I'm delaying the slated post. That'll give it time to get more jumbled up. More complicated. Or will it explain it further? I'll just leave it for now.

I guess I should just say that I am extremely disappointed. Hurt? Maybe. I should say it, even though I know none of them will actually take notice, and only one had the courtesy to thank me. It is ... disheartening, at the least, to know that after all the effort you put in for a group of people, they don't appreciate it.

Someone mentioned to me I might be interfering too much, but I don't think so, not the way things unfolded. Not when you're asked for help in the first place.

The funny thing about this is that I haven't learned, and I know it will continue. It's kind of hilarious, it's happened before in secondary school, and I haven't wisened up at all.

So, in the end, why do I try so hard?

Should I stop trying? Or continue, with the (vain?) hope that someday, I'll be appreciated?

Or should I just be indifferent, just doing what I'm supposed to do, no longer trying harder, not caring what happens? I can't do that, can I? I can't.

I guess I'll keep trying, then.

And in the end, if I have only myself to appreciate me, well, that's better than a lot of ignorance, isn't it?

O, Wally, Wally...

2008-11-01T23:00:00.002+08:00

Well then? I'll go far away,
As goes the echo from the pious bell
There, amid the white snow
There, amid the golden clouds
There, where hope is, hope,
regret, regret, and sorrow!

O my mother's joyous house,
Wally will go away from you,
From you, so far away
Perhaps to you, perhaps to you
Never will she return,
Nor will you see her again!
Nevermore, nevermore!

I'll go alone and far away,
As is the echo of the pious bell,
There, amid the white snow,
I'll go, I'll go alone, far away!
There amid the golden clouds!

La Wally.

2008-10-30T21:19:00.005+08:00

Ebbene? N'andrò lontana

Come va l'eco della pia campana

Là, fra la neve bianca

Là, fra le nubi d'or

Là dov'è la speranza, la speranza

Il rimpianto, il rimpianto, e il dolor!

O della madre mia casa gioconda

La Wally n'andra da te, da te lontana assai

E forse a te, e forse a te

Non farà mai più ritorno

Nè più la rive drai!

Mai più, mai più!

N'andrò sola e lontana

Come l'eco è della pia campana

Là, fra la neve bianca

N'andrò, n'andrò sola e lontana!

E fra le nubi d'or!

Translation to follow next post.

But if you have to know what it means, here's a hint:

I'm going far away.

Stop.

2008-10-28T18:30:00.003+08:00

I am crying.

And I want to stop.

And I cannot.

I Wish?

2008-10-24T19:59:00.003+08:00

I wish I didn't have to do this.

I wish I could still ...

I wish I could take it all away, everything, just take it away.

I don't want to do this.

But I have to.

I have to, and I hate myself for it.

Why did you do this to me?

Shutting Up.

2008-10-23T18:57:00.003+08:00

I think my head finally managed to convince my mouth that all it's capable of pouring out is insults and ridicule.

So I think it's finally learnt its lesson today.

So yes.

Shutting up.

Look Right Through Me.

2008-10-17T20:11:00.003+08:00

You've left others alone.

You've never left me alone?

And you feel God placed you here to teach me something?

Then I only have one thing to say:

Went to school and I felt very nervous,

No one knew me,
No one knew me

Hello Teacher,

Tell me what's my lesson,
Look right through me,

Look right through me.

God bless you.

Nyeh.

2008-10-13T18:34:00.003+08:00

Nyeh.

I'm wondering if a doctor will really be able to help.

I don't want to waste time and money.

Maybe I should just wait until it works itself out.

Pfft.

Maladies are so annoying.

I Think...

2008-10-11T20:45:00.000+08:00

I think I know why you can't offer any outings.

And I think I think it's quite a stupid reason.

And if it's true, I guess I could say that you should have more faith in me.

But I guess I can also see why you don't.

Hate.

2008-10-11T06:15:00.003+08:00

I hate myself for being such an asshole to you.

Christe Eleison?

2008-10-10T18:35:00.003+08:00

I just want to cry right now.